You’re A Mean One, Everdred

Everdred hated Christmas, the entire Christmas holiday, but no one knows quite how he got that way. It could be that his sunglasses caused hateful distortion. It could be perhaps that his head was out of proportion. But I think the most probable source was that he was two sizes too small in the seam of his shorts. 

You’re a mean one, Everdred.
You’re quite the cut of jerk.
You’re as friendly as a Tenda,
Kleptomania is your quirk,
Everdred!

You’re an itchy, shrunken sweater given to me by
My aunt Bernice in Newkirk!

You’re a villain, Everdred.
Your eyes are toxic lakes.
Your hair’s a knotty nest of gnats,
Your hands are soft as rakes,
Everdred!

I wouldn’t rope you with a
thirty nine-and-a-half-foot snake!

You’re a burglar, Everdred.
Your conscience is a hole.
You have all the gentle features
of a grumpy Mondo Mole,
Everdred!

Given the choice between the two of you,
I’d take the Mondo Mole!

You’re a stinker, Everdred.
You’re a funky smelling kook.
Your stench makes Happy Happyists cry,
You pass wind like a nuke,
Everdred!

The three words that best describe you are,
and I quote: “Belch, barf, puke!”

You’ve no grey matter, Everdred.
Your brain wave chart is flat.
Your fashion sense is a diseased cat
Covered in tasteless hats,
Everdred!

Your lifeline is an acidic trail of chaos and greed
stealing into others’ lives with tragic desperation 
and inevitable doom,
Filled with grilled plague rats!

You will be caught, Everdred.
We’ll catch you in your cot.
You’re a bogus bumbling bully
and you haven’t got a shot,
Everdred!

You’re a rotted king bologna sandwich deluxe
not fit for robots!